21 LESSONS I’VE LEARNED BY 21
Here is a list of 21 lessons I learned before turning 21
I just turned 21 on Saturday, which is still a crazy thing for me to wrap my head around. It feels like a milestone I've been waiting for forever, and yet now that it's here, I’m caught between excitement and disbelief. There's this unspoken idea that turning 21 means stepping into a new phase of adulthood—where freedom and responsibility somehow collide. As much as I want to dive into all the fun that comes with this age, I'm also reflecting on how much I've grown, the lessons learned, and the people who’ve shaped my journey so far.
When I woke up Saturday morning, before the balloons, the drinks, and the shenanigans, I decided to write down a list of 21 lessons that I have learned so far in my life. One lesson for every year. As I sat with my coffee in hand, it struck me how much I've experienced, even at this young age.
Each lesson on this list comes with a story, a moment, or a person who helped shape who I am today. Some lessons were hard-earned—about patience, resilience, and accepting myself, flaws and all. Others were softer, like the importance of finding joy in small things or embracing change as part of growth. That quiet reflection felt like the calm before the whirlwind of celebration that was to come, and it grounded me in gratitude for the journey up to now.
These are the lessons I have learned:
People are not thinking about you–good or bad–as much as you think they are
For so long, I lived with this constant feeling that every move I made was under scrutiny, that others were noticing every little flaw, misstep, or awkward moment. It’s exhausting to carry that weight. But the truth is, most people are too wrapped up in their own lives, and their own worries, to fixate on us the way we fear they do. It’s not that they don’t care—it’s just that they’re human too, navigating their own insecurities and challenges. Realizing this has been freeing. It means I can breathe easier, make mistakes, be a little messy, and know that the world won’t fall apart. People are more forgiving than we give them credit for, and honestly, they're often too busy trying to figure out their own lives to spend time judging ours.
Your allergy to rejection is holding you back from bigger and better things
Deep down, rejection feels like confirmation of the insecurities we try so hard to hide. It stings, not just because we didn’t get what we wanted, but because it can feel like a validation of our worst fears—fears that maybe we’re not good enough, not capable, or not worthy. But the truth is, that rejection isn’t a reflection of our value. I’ve come to learn that it is often a redirection, a necessary step to find where we truly belong and what we’re meant for. Holding onto that fear of rejection keeps us playing small, accepting less, and shrinking into the comfort of what’s safe. But by embracing rejection and realizing that it’s just part of the process, we open ourselves up to opportunities, relationships, and experiences that are bigger than we ever imagined. This is a lesson that I still struggle listening to, but every day I work on getting better and better at overcoming my allergy of rejection.
If they never talk to you unless you initiate it, they don’t like you as much as you like them
This lesson has been one of the most painful, but important, realizations for me. It’s tough because deep down, you want to believe that people care about you as much as you care about them. But over time, I’ve learned that relationships should feel mutual; they should be built on both people putting in effort. When you're always the one reaching out, it can feel draining, and eventually, you start questioning your worth. The truth is, if someone truly values you, they'll show up, without you having to chase them down. And while it stings to realize that not everyone is meant to stay in your life, it opens space for the people who will. Letting go of the imbalance has taught me that I deserve friendships and relationships where love and care flow both ways.
You deserve to spend your time with people who like you
Life is too short to constantly question your worth or feel like you're not enough. I’ve spent too many moments in the past trying to win over people who never truly saw or valued me for who I am. It’s exhausting, draining, and leaves you feeling lonelier than being by yourself ever could. When you surround yourself with people who genuinely care, who light up when they see you, and who appreciate your quirks and flaws, you start to feel at home in your own skin. You realize that you don’t have to change or mold yourself to fit into someone else’s version of who you should be. You are enough as you are, and you deserve relationships where you feel supported, loved, and safe.
If they care about you, being honest about how you feel won’t scare them away
This lesson comes from learning that the people who truly care about you are the ones who want to understand the real you—not just the easy, happy parts, but the messy, complicated parts too. There’s a fear we all have, that being vulnerable will push people away, that if we share too much or show our struggles, those we love will see us differently or leave. But I’ve realized over time that the ones who care won’t be scared off by your honesty. If anything, it brings you closer, deepening the connection and building trust. When you open up and show your authentic self, you give others the chance to love you for who you truly are, not just for the version you think they want. And if someone does pull away after seeing your vulnerability, it’s a sign they weren’t meant to stay. It’s taken me time, but I've learned that being honest with those who matter allows them to love me more fully, not less.
If they don’t care about you, suppressing your feelings won’t make them stay
I’ve learned this the hard way, through relationships and friendships where I thought if I just kept my true emotions hidden, maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. But silencing yourself for the sake of someone else’s comfort only leaves you feeling more alone. I’ve realized that caring deeply is a strength, not a weakness. If someone can’t handle your full self—your feelings, your truth—they were never meant to stay. You deserve people who not only accept your emotions but honor them. Holding back who you are only prolongs the inevitable and, in the end, hurts more than speaking up ever would. Speak your truth! Don’t be afraid!
Trying to be something you’re not will only highlight the parts of yourself you’re trying to hide
The energy it takes to maintain a facade chips away at your sense of peace. I’ve had many experiences of trying to fit into molds that weren’t meant for me, hoping to avoid judgment or rejection. But the harder I tried to hide those vulnerable, imperfect parts of myself, the more obvious they became—not just to others, but to me. The disconnect between who I was pretending to be and who I truly was left me feeling even more exposed, because I wasn’t just hiding flaws—I was hiding the things that make me unique. The moments when I finally embraced my true self, no matter how messy or complicated, were the moments I felt the most free and at peace. You can only thrive when you allow yourself to be seen for who you really are.
Being cool looks a million different ways, but it’s mutually exclusive with inauthenticity
Throughout my life, I’ve often found myself chasing trends that everyone else follows, but they don’t quite resonate with who I really am. It took time to realize that true coolness isn’t about adhering to a set standard or wearing the latest styles; it’s about embracing your individuality and being genuine in your interactions. When I’ve tried to present myself in ways that felt forced or inauthentic, it only led to feelings of disconnect and insecurity. Conversely, the moments when I've embraced my quirks and passions, regardless of what others might think, have been the most liberating. It’s in those moments of authenticity that I’ve forged deeper connections with others, found my voice, and ultimately felt more confident in my own skin. Being cool, I’ve learned, is less about fitting in and more about standing out by simply being yourself.
Being nice is cooler than being cool
This lesson resonates deeply with me because it reflects the essence of true connection and authenticity in a world that often prioritizes status and popularity. I've found that kindness fosters genuine relationships that are far more fulfilling than any fleeting moment of "coolness." Being nice creates a ripple effect, making others feel valued and seen, which, in turn, enriches our own lives. Those times when I felt pressure to fit in and tried to impress others with a facade of confidence or indifference left me feeling more isolated than ever. It was only when I started embracing kindness—whether through simple gestures, active listening, or standing up for someone who needed support—that I felt a sense of belonging and warmth. In a society that can be quick to judge and dismiss, being nice is a powerful act of rebellion. So, as I step into this new chapter of my life, I carry this lesson with me, striving to create an environment where kindness reigns and every interaction leaves a positive mark. As the wise philosopher and pop star Harry Styles once said, “Treat People With Kindness.”
Your biggest regrets will be the times you mistreated people
There are many times where I look back on moments when my actions, words, or even my silence hurt someone else. Whether it was being dismissive of a friend’s feelings or letting my own frustrations overshadow kindness, those instances linger in my heart. They serve as a painful reminder of how easily we can forget the impact we have on others. The weight of regret comes not just from the mistakes themselves, but from realizing that those moments could have changed someone’s day—or even their life. Each misstep taught me the importance of treating others with the compassion and understanding they deserve, reminding me that we’re all fighting our own battles. As I move forward, I strive to approach every interaction with kindness, knowing that it’s never too late to be better and that the relationships we nurture are some of the most precious aspects of life.
You will regret the things you didn’t try to do so much more than the things you tried to do and failed
Life is too fleeting to let fear hold us back from pursuing our dreams. Each missed opportunity can weigh heavier than the scars of failure. When I look back on moments where I hesitated—like passing on a chance to speak up or take a leap of faith—those memories echo with 'what ifs' that linger long after the moment has passed. Failure often brings growth, insight, and resilience, while regret simply festers in silence. Embracing the courage to try, regardless of the outcome, can lead to incredible experiences and connections. It’s a reminder that every attempt is a step forward, and even if we stumble, we’re still moving toward our true selves. Ultimately, I’ve learned that the path of trying opens doors, while the path of inaction leaves us stuck, yearning for the adventures we never took.
There’s a difference between having goals and being consumed by everything you are not
In a world that often glorifies achievement and comparison, it's easy to get lost in the cycle of self-doubt and frustration. I’ve felt the weight of this pressure, where every glance at someone else's success makes me question my worth. It’s like standing in a room full of mirrors, constantly reflecting on what I lack instead of celebrating what I have. When I realized that having goals should inspire me rather than diminish my sense of self, everything shifted. Setting goals is about vision and growth, a way to chart a course for the future while being consumed by what I’m not leads to a toxic mindset that only breeds anxiety and resentment. I learned that my journey is uniquely mine; it’s okay to aspire to be better while still embracing who I am right now. This lesson has taught me to be kinder to myself, to recognize my progress, and to pursue my aspirations without losing sight of my inherent value.
Your discipline doesn’t have to be a weapon you use against yourself, it can be a tool you use to love yourself
Many of us have internalized the idea that discipline means strict self-control, often leading to feelings of guilt or shame when we don't meet our own expectations. I’ve spent so many years holding myself to impossibly high standards, using my discipline as a harsh critic rather than a gentle guide. I realized that this approach only deepened my insecurities and made me feel like I was never enough. But when I started viewing discipline as an act of self-care, everything changed. I learned to approach my goals with compassion, recognizing that discipline could help me create routines that nourish my body and mind. Instead of punishing myself for what I couldn’t achieve, I began to celebrate the small victories and allow myself grace on the tougher days. Now, I see discipline as a loving commitment to my growth—one that encourages me to honor my needs and aspirations without the weight of self-criticism.
Notice things that people who make you feel good when you talk to them do, and start doing those things when you talk to other people
I’ve noticed that some of my friends and family have this incredible ability to make me feel heard and valued—whether through their active listening, thoughtful questions, or just their warm smiles. It made me realize how powerful simple gestures can be in fostering relationships. So, I always try to pay attention to those little things. I want to create that same sense of comfort and positivity for those around me. Understanding that my words and actions could brighten someone’s day fills me with purpose and reminds me of our shared humanity.
Focus less on being original and more on being yourself
For the longest time, especially during middle school when I was going through that transformational phase of my life, I felt an overwhelming pressure to be original, to create something that had never been done before. I believed that if I couldn’t stand out, I wouldn’t matter. This mindset left me feeling constantly insecure and anxious like I was chasing a moving target. I poured my energy into trying to craft a persona or style that felt “unique,” only to realize that I was losing touch with who I truly am in the process. It wasn't until I embraced the idea of authenticity that everything changed. Focusing less on being original and more on being myself allowed me to express my true thoughts, emotions, and experiences. I found that my uniqueness shines brightest when I stop trying to be someone I’m not. This lesson has been freeing; it taught me that there’s beauty in honesty and that my voice deserves to be heard, even if it isn’t groundbreaking. Ultimately, being myself feels infinitely more fulfilling than striving for originality ever could.
Maturity is about your communication and conflict navigation skills
How we express ourselves and handle disagreements can make all the difference in our relationships and personal growth. There have been many times when I struggled to voice my feelings, often bottling things up until they exploded in frustration. I would shy away from difficult conversations, fearing confrontation and conflict, which only left me feeling misunderstood and isolated. Through these experiences, I learned that mature communication isn't just about being articulate; it's about being honest and vulnerable. It means being able to listen as much as we speak, to empathize with others' perspectives, and to approach conflicts with a spirit of collaboration rather than combativeness. I’ve had to confront my own insecurities and fears, understanding that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. This journey has taught me that real maturity lies in being open to difficult dialogues and navigating conflicts with grace, ultimately leading to deeper connections and understanding with those I care about.
It’s ok to experiment with the dating apps
I’ve realized that using dating apps isn’t always for me, sometimes they do more harm than good in my life. Initially, they seemed like a fun way to meet new people, but instead of fostering genuine relationships, I noticed how often I was comparing myself to others, questioning my worth based on the attention—or lack thereof—I received. I quickly found myself caught in a cycle of endless scrolling and superficial connections. But, I wouldn’t have known that if I never tried them. Now I know that I want to invest in relationships that are built on deeper foundations, where I can truly be myself without the pressure of online validation.
You won’t stop harboring resentment until you learn the difference between things you can get over without a conversation and things you can't
There were times when I brushed off hurt feelings, convincing myself that it was easier to let things go than to confront them. I thought that time alone would heal my wounds, but instead, they festered beneath the surface. I felt a weight in my chest, an unshakable discomfort that lingered in my relationships. It wasn't until I found myself replaying the same arguments in my head, feeling angry over things long past, that I realized I needed to face these feelings head-on. Some issues, no matter how small they seem, require a conversation to untangle the knots of misunderstanding. I discovered that addressing the hurt not only brings me clarity but also opens the door to healing and connection.
Being happy is the only real revenge
In moments of hurt, it’s easy to fantasize about getting back at those who’ve wronged us. I used to believe that revenge would somehow restore my sense of justice, but over time, I realized that dwelling on negativity only deepened my pain. Instead, I found that when I embrace joy, whether through spending time with loved ones, pursuing my passions, or simply enjoying the beauty around me, I feel empowered. Each moment of genuine happiness becomes a reminder that my worth isn’t defined by others’ actions or opinions. Ultimately, choosing to be happy is a powerful statement. It shows that I refuse to let bitterness dictate my life. By prioritizing my joy, I reclaim my narrative and create a life that’s vibrant and fulfilling, a life that thrives despite the challenges I’ve faced.
Sometimes you have to lose people so you can come back to them in a healthier way
There were friends I thought would be in my life forever, but the reality was that our paths diverged as we grew and changed. I found myself in toxic patterns, where love and support felt conditional and strained. When I took a step back, it wasn’t out of anger but rather a deep understanding that I needed space to grow and heal. I had to learn how to prioritize my own well-being and recognize my worth, even when it felt like I was losing pieces of my heart. This time apart became a transformative journey for me, allowing me to develop a stronger sense of self and understand what I truly wanted in my relationships. I realized that sometimes distance is necessary. It allows us to gain perspective, appreciate what we had, and recognize the things we may have overlooked. When I eventually reconnected with those people, I approached our relationships with fresh eyes and an open heart, free from the baggage that once weighed us down. Losing them was painful, but it ultimately paved the way for deeper, healthier connections that I cherish more than ever.
Be patient–it's the only thing that matters
Growing up, I often felt like I was racing against an invisible clock, whether it was striving for success in school, fitting in with friends, or finding my path in a world that felt so chaotic. I wanted everything to happen at once—every milestone, every dream realized. But the truth is, the moments I rushed through are often the ones I wish I could revisit. When I learned to embrace patience, I discovered the beauty of the journey itself. I realized that growth takes time and that some of the most profound lessons come from the waiting—the moments of uncertainty and self-reflection. Patience has taught me to savor life’s fleeting moments and to trust that, in due time, everything will unfold as it should. It’s a lesson I carry with me, reminding me that good things truly come to those who wait.
As I step into this new chapter of my life, armed with these 21 lessons, I feel a mix of excitement and introspection. Each year has brought its own challenges and triumphs. I’m learning to embrace both the journey and the destination, recognizing that every experience—whether joyous or painful—has played a vital role in my growth. Turning 21 is more than just a celebration; it’s a moment to reflect on the lessons learned, the friendships forged, and the dreams yet to be realized. I’m ready to take on this new adventure with open arms, knowing that patience and gratitude will guide me as I navigate the exciting possibilities that lie ahead. Happy birthday to me :)
